The Ides Return

Ah yes. The Ides of March. It's not my favorite time due to past memories that I've written about before. And now it marks the day that my father in-law's body will be viewed by family and friends who made it to Salt Lake. Tomorrow is the funeral. I am still feeling very sad about his passing.

I am still with the dogs and strangely it is a beautiful sunny day. It's the kind of day when I love being outside and active, but I've had to scale back because the dogs are older and one has an injury. Not to mention, I am still nursing a muscle strain near my ankle. So, instead of a full day of activity out in the sun, I am here doing boring chores around the house and letting myself think too much about the 12 extra pounds I can't quite seem to shed post-pregnancy. I used to never have a problem with weight or fitting into my clothes, so I'm not used to this frustration. I mean, I eat basically healthy, I do get some activity (although not as much as I should) and the pounds are just stuck. I wanted to get fit and shed the weight before trying to get pregnant again, but now I don't know if I'll make the deadline. I am still mostly wearing maternity pants and sweats. Sometimes I even think, "So what?" I'll just get pregnant again without losing the weight, gain less than I did last time, and then get on a hardcore fitness and exercise program after the next baby is born. That way I won't be like a yo yo. Other times I think I want to get as fit as possible now and to enjoy fitting into my normal clothes again. But then I'm not all that motivated to get going on it. I feel so out of shape for stuff I used to do like yoga, dance, and pilates. Plus, I have injuries that tend to flare up if I push very hard. I feel like I'll just get depressed walking into those classes with the extra weight and with an injury-prone body. And then there's the looming fact that I'll be back in grad-school soon and that takes over most of my time, so how can I possibly commit to weekly fitness classes?

I know I'll straighten the fitness/weight-loss issue out eventually, but right now I am in that state of contemplation more than anything. It seems I am also in that state in regard to trying for another pregnancy. On one level, getting pregnant soon is my biggest wish because I am old and only have a short time left to go for it. On the other hand, I now know all the risks involved and I have to ask myself if I'm ready for another potential roller coaster ride or a fetal demise. And, also, I wonder if I am willing to put my life on hold again for 40 weeks. There are things I want to do, like moving and getting a dog and figuring out my career. I'd also like to commit to an active lifestyle again, like I said already. Pregnancy would put many things on hold, especially if I run into any kind of complications. I have to be ready for that possibility and know that I am giving up another year of my life to focus on pregnancy and a newborn. In some ways, I think it would be wise to do it now, so I can take that one last shot and then get on with life one way or the other. But I also think maybe I should just give up the whole pregnancy and parenting idea and just move on. But then I would have forfeited my last chance and that would suck. So, there's just so much to think about.