Another Spring Day

The sun is peeking out through the clouds again after a rainy, windy day yesterday. I'm finally finishing up this dog-sitting job and will get to go home later. I still need to get the dogs out on one more short walk, finish washing the linens, load the car, and do my last minute check-ins. I can't wait to be done, although I know I have to clean my own home when I get there. The place is dusty and cluttered from all the craziness of last week and my allergies are out of control. I know I'll be back on Benadryl tonight.

I hope to go to church tonight since I missed last week's Lenten devotional. I was pretty good about making it every week before that. I also hope to make it to church on Easter this year, even if it means losing some sleep before work. I really feel that God is the ultimate counselor and being in church helps me connect with my deepest emotions. Also, being around other people in the congregation is kind of like group therapy. Even if we aren't talking out loud a lot, I know many of us are there to check in with God about what's troubling us and we are looking to be better people in our day to day lives.

I've got a few other things I hope to do tonight, including talking to my friend (adopted-mom) in Colorado and doing some shopping. Our fridge is empty except for condiments! I hope to pick up a few healthy things and I want to avoid getting take-out because part of my new health plan involves totally avoiding gluten. I generally do a good job with that, but I suspect I do get some gluten in restaurant items. There's a Thai place we go to that does list which items are wheat-free, but I'm never sure about most of the others. I know it is time to get serious about that because even if I don't always have symptoms, I could be doing damage. I don't want to jeopardize a potential future pregnancy because I was not minding my diet properly. I also plan to stay on my prenatal vitamins and start getting back in shape again.

I am planning to see "Alice in Wonderland" Friday with friends. It should be fun, but I'll have to get up early to catch the showing they've chosen. I guess I'll have to go off the decaf for a day. I've mostly stayed with decaf since the pregnancy and I'm glad. Occasionally I drink regular if I have to work a morning shift or something comes up where I don't get enough sleep. We'll see how I do once graduate school starts though!

The Ides Return

Ah yes. The Ides of March. It's not my favorite time due to past memories that I've written about before. And now it marks the day that my father in-law's body will be viewed by family and friends who made it to Salt Lake. Tomorrow is the funeral. I am still feeling very sad about his passing.

I am still with the dogs and strangely it is a beautiful sunny day. It's the kind of day when I love being outside and active, but I've had to scale back because the dogs are older and one has an injury. Not to mention, I am still nursing a muscle strain near my ankle. So, instead of a full day of activity out in the sun, I am here doing boring chores around the house and letting myself think too much about the 12 extra pounds I can't quite seem to shed post-pregnancy. I used to never have a problem with weight or fitting into my clothes, so I'm not used to this frustration. I mean, I eat basically healthy, I do get some activity (although not as much as I should) and the pounds are just stuck. I wanted to get fit and shed the weight before trying to get pregnant again, but now I don't know if I'll make the deadline. I am still mostly wearing maternity pants and sweats. Sometimes I even think, "So what?" I'll just get pregnant again without losing the weight, gain less than I did last time, and then get on a hardcore fitness and exercise program after the next baby is born. That way I won't be like a yo yo. Other times I think I want to get as fit as possible now and to enjoy fitting into my normal clothes again. But then I'm not all that motivated to get going on it. I feel so out of shape for stuff I used to do like yoga, dance, and pilates. Plus, I have injuries that tend to flare up if I push very hard. I feel like I'll just get depressed walking into those classes with the extra weight and with an injury-prone body. And then there's the looming fact that I'll be back in grad-school soon and that takes over most of my time, so how can I possibly commit to weekly fitness classes?

I know I'll straighten the fitness/weight-loss issue out eventually, but right now I am in that state of contemplation more than anything. It seems I am also in that state in regard to trying for another pregnancy. On one level, getting pregnant soon is my biggest wish because I am old and only have a short time left to go for it. On the other hand, I now know all the risks involved and I have to ask myself if I'm ready for another potential roller coaster ride or a fetal demise. And, also, I wonder if I am willing to put my life on hold again for 40 weeks. There are things I want to do, like moving and getting a dog and figuring out my career. I'd also like to commit to an active lifestyle again, like I said already. Pregnancy would put many things on hold, especially if I run into any kind of complications. I have to be ready for that possibility and know that I am giving up another year of my life to focus on pregnancy and a newborn. In some ways, I think it would be wise to do it now, so I can take that one last shot and then get on with life one way or the other. But I also think maybe I should just give up the whole pregnancy and parenting idea and just move on. But then I would have forfeited my last chance and that would suck. So, there's just so much to think about.

One of the Saddest Days Ever

I'm just going to ramble here on five hours of sleep. I am still off caffeine, so it's been a rough day with all that's happened. I just have so much on my mind and am keeping a different (earlier) schedule with the dogs. I hope I can take a nap later.

My father in-law died last night around 10:30 p.m. My husband had flown into Salt Lake and was able to spend a few last moments with him. I was really touched because he asked his father to take care of Peanut for us. I guess my husband's mom and one of our nieces expressed similar requests, which made it even more touching. My only regret is that I couldn't be there because of a stupid pet-sitting gig. I took the job because, even though my father in-law's health was failing, I naively figured he might hold on for awhile longer. But things did not go according to plan, so I am sitting here teary-eyed watching raindrops on the window with the dogs sleeping at my feet. I have called my husband a couple of times already today and will probably need to buy another top up card. Another reason I had to call was that Peanut's autopsy report finally arrived at the specialist, so we can schedule an appointment to discuss what went wrong. More good things to think about. Sigh.

I hate the month of March, except for Saint Patrick's Day. My mom died in March 1995 and now my father in-law. It seems this should be the time of spring flowers, newborns, and baskets full of Easter candy, yet many times I've been delivered sadness and rain. I thought I could remedy it by giving birth to a baby in April, but I guess we all know how that turned out.

There is no way to adequately describe my father in-law as a person, but I would still attempt it by saying he was a man with a sense of humor, who was both gentle and mischievous. He had a sparkle in his eye and he loved walking and hiking. I instantly thought of him as a kindred spirit due to his love of the outdoors. He was also great with kids and you'd usually see him playing with his grandchildren or carrying them around. He was always very kind to me and he once said that I should be "protected in all seasons". That was a funny thing to say, but that was like him to just say something unexpected that would make you smile.

What is truly depressing is that Parkinson's disease got a grip on my father in-law and it slowly stole away the person he was. Over the last five years, we saw him change into a quiet and confused person, who could no longer do very much for himself. It was hard for me to see this and I know it was hard on my husband. It was almost like dementia locked his soul away in a room where he could never be found. Maybe once in awhile you'd see a glimmer, but rarely for very long.

Even though my father in-law was in such poor condition these last years, I will totally miss seeing him when we visit Utah again. There's a picture of Valley Forge Park in the entry-way of my mother in-law's home that always reminds me of him. I think I will look or listen for him next time I am in that house, even though my logical mind knows he is gone.