Tears in Heaven

I was thinking about that Eric Clapton song. "Tears in Heaven" today. I doubt I'll be able to hear that again without feeling very, very sad.

Overall, it was a pretty quiet day. I woke up too early again and had to go back to bed later in the morning. I know it's the grief, so I just rolled with it. I'm glad I'll be working swing shift and having classes in the afternoon next quarter.

I am waiting for the urn to arrive and hope it's ready before we pick up Peanut's ashes next week. We are planning a memorial, so I hope everything comes together in time. We meet with the Bishop on Wednesday.

My body feels pretty run down. I'm living on comfort foods like gluten free cookies, pancakes, soda pop, and soy ice creams. I'm eating stuff I avoided while pregnant because I didn't want empty calories. I'm also not doing any yoga or any other restorative activity. This is just where I'm at right now and I don't care. I know later I'll try to get healthy again, in case I try to get pregnant again. I really feel like my body needs to heal and get strong again though. Right now, I am still bleeding and passing clots from the birth and I'm lactating, which is really uncomfortable.

I was crying tonight while we were doing dishes because I miss Peanut so much. I feel so cheated that we never got to really know him like we wanted to. I mean, we know what he looked like as a tiny baby, but we don't know what his likes and dislikes were or what his talents were. I feel so sad about that. I'm pretty sure he liked pineapple and fish because he used to kick me a lot after I'd eat those foods, but I don't know what else he liked. I just wanted so much to really get to know him as a person.