Another Rough Day at 29 Weeks

I woke up at 5 a.m. with what seemed to be Braxton Hicks contractions. They were tolerable but there was enough pain to wake me up. I sat up on the couch for a few hours and got to see the sun rise before falling asleep again. When I woke up later, I noticed that I was bleeding again and I had a big meltdown. Thank God Hubby was here to listen and hold me.

It seems like I am filled with a wide range of emotions right now. Naturally, with my grim diagnosis there is worry about the baby's welfare and whether he is still alive. There is also a feeling of grief about missing on all the good parts of being pregnant. I mean, yes, I've been able to hear my baby's heart beat, feel his kicks, and see his beautiful profile on ultrasound. His little feet are the cutest things ever! But I haven't really been able to celebrate or bond with other parents-to-be in the way I wanted to. I didn't really want a baby shower (even before all the bad news rolled in), but I did want to go to birthing and parenting classes and keep enjoying my prenatal yoga. I wanted to shop for the baby and do all the nesting stuff, but it's all been halted due to the tentative nature of this whole experience. I had a good long cry about all of that today.

The other feeling I am dealing with is fear about childbirth. The cramping and bleeding have me worried and I hope my experience in the hospital isn't going to be as scary as I think it will be. The doctors all seem focused on the baby's diagnosis and the fact that he probably won't survive. What they aren't noticing is me, the mother, who has no experience with this. Whether or not our boy is alive and breathing or a stillborn, there is no changing the fact that I will have to give birth to him. I don't know anything about it or what to expect. My husband will be there to hold my hand, but he is new to this too.

I wish the doctor at our regular clinic was empathic, more human, and able to provide some comfort. As I said in my last post, she has the demeanor of a crocodile. It also bothers me that the doctors and staff at the clinic don't seem to have all of our records from the university, so half the time I have to explain everything or they just make assumptions based on limited information.

Anyway, it was kind of a crappy day overall. The only good parts were my husband's hugs and a long phone call I shared with an old friend of mine from school. We talked for hours and she made me laugh. I also took a short walk, even though I probably shouldn't have. I just couldn't deal with another full day of bed rest and I'm not even sure how much good all the resting is doing anyway. I know it slows down the bleeding sometimes, but that's about it. It is possible that it helps the baby grow, but I was still doing all my normal activities during that time that he had the big growth spurt in November.