Tired Today

Finally home for a week and then back to pet-sitting Saturday. I feel so tired, like I have this big sleep deficit from all the different places we've stayed and varied schedules. And, of course, dealing with that difficult client. I know I out did myself with niceness and am paying the price. Even the trip out of town for fun this past month kinda wore me out with the jet lag, staying up late visiting, and still dealing with an achy frozen shoulder. I think I need down time to just rest and do almost nothing. Luckily, the household projects are almost done. Just the office and one more run to the Goodwill. I have also decided to stash away the food-related baby items until a food drive turns up this fall. Not easy because I want them gone, but I'll deal.

I know I've been pushing a lot with work and projects and I imagine it's all part of my grief, to keep busy. My favorite Platy fish, Spartacus, died last Friday and that kind of triggered all these underlying feelings of sadness I manage to sweep aside most of the time. I cried for her, knowing how much I'd miss her swimming up to greet us with her pretty little pectoral fins that looked like translucent fairy wings. Pet loss is as painful as any other kind of grief and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I really loved that little fish and all the joy she brought me since I set up the new tank this past spring. Pets and music have saved my life it seems. I also think, with all that's happened this year, losing Spartacus brought the other pain back into focus. The loss of our baby in January, my father in-law in March, and even my grandma, who died a few years ago. I dreamt about Grandma last night and in the dream she was alive and I could still drive to her home anytime, just as I had as a girl. I do dream this type of dream occasionally and usually I am just discovering that she has dementia. In this latest one, she was already at the nursing home, but I didn't know it until I got to her house. Inside the house, there was a secret doorway that led to these rooms I'd never seen before. They were filled with art and other belongings that I'd never known about. I found a cot that she'd been sleeping on, old telephones, and a large, weird sculpture/painting of the Pope in her bedroom. She was not Catholic, so pretty odd, although she did collect all kinds of art and imports. There was also an aquarium with fish that had somehow lived a long time with no food or water changes. The whole thing was very vivid and reminded me of a dream I'd had a few years ago, where my mom had a secret room filled with beautiful emerald green antique glassware and vintage Halloween decorations.

Anyway, today I found myself feeling weirdly tired and needing major downtime to just be. I still feel like working, setting stuff up for school, working out, and messing with my aquarium, so it's not exactly like depression. It's more like this need to seriously chill and reflect and maybe journal or even draw something. I also feel like listening to music and doing some dancing. Being busy, organized, effective, meticulous...well, that's not cutting it today. Yes, those things keep me going, but there's more that needs attention before the treadmill of school and jury duty begin. I need a little me time I guess, while I can still manage it.