For you it might be like a sneeze
Or a switch to de-caf
For me, it’s a door to a tornado
Rolling fast toward me as I huddle in a broken down shack
Looking out at colorful round hay bales
Flying away
The ones that stay put are babies that might live.
Does anyone wonder why I’m stalling?
Even though doctors say “Hurry. Your age.”
They don’t know how it is
Sitting here in my summer clothes
Sipping a cocktail of sweet, hopeful thoughts
Knowing I’m safe on this island for a minute longer
Some part of me is hoarding up novels and notebooks and programs on Huloo
Preparing for the words, “Bed rest”
There are many things much worse than those words
Things you don’t ever want to see
Things that could be behind doors number two and three
The halls of dead baby for instance.
I watch my sister in-law bounce around in pregnant ease
Travel four straight days in a car full of screaming, whining kids
Up late, up early
Never a sad face from that one
Painting rooms and breathing fumes for the umpteenth time
How come no one else seems to get the tornado drill?
I’m like an 18th century lady all fragile in her white linen bed
Making babies is brutal to my constitution
So I stay here one last moment
Soaking up sun, reading books, hiking up mountains
I’m safe. But some part of me is easing its way up to that door.
Hoping I can harness one of those intact little rainbow bales
Knowing the storm will pummel me if it can.
I hate its dark winds the way Sigourney Weaver hates an alien.
I want to fight it, hide from it, elude it.
Then I just want to stay here, on solid ground.
Forget the whole thing.
Walk away while I still have a chance.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Tired Today
Finally home for a week and then back to pet-sitting Saturday. I feel so tired, like I have this big sleep deficit from all the different places we've stayed and varied schedules. And, of course, dealing with that difficult client. I know I out did myself with niceness and am paying the price. Even the trip out of town for fun this past month kinda wore me out with the jet lag, staying up late visiting, and still dealing with an achy frozen shoulder. I think I need down time to just rest and do almost nothing. Luckily, the household projects are almost done. Just the office and one more run to the Goodwill. I have also decided to stash away the food-related baby items until a food drive turns up this fall. Not easy because I want them gone, but I'll deal.
I know I've been pushing a lot with work and projects and I imagine it's all part of my grief, to keep busy. My favorite Platy fish, Spartacus, died last Friday and that kind of triggered all these underlying feelings of sadness I manage to sweep aside most of the time. I cried for her, knowing how much I'd miss her swimming up to greet us with her pretty little pectoral fins that looked like translucent fairy wings. Pet loss is as painful as any other kind of grief and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I really loved that little fish and all the joy she brought me since I set up the new tank this past spring. Pets and music have saved my life it seems. I also think, with all that's happened this year, losing Spartacus brought the other pain back into focus. The loss of our baby in January, my father in-law in March, and even my grandma, who died a few years ago. I dreamt about Grandma last night and in the dream she was alive and I could still drive to her home anytime, just as I had as a girl. I do dream this type of dream occasionally and usually I am just discovering that she has dementia. In this latest one, she was already at the nursing home, but I didn't know it until I got to her house. Inside the house, there was a secret doorway that led to these rooms I'd never seen before. They were filled with art and other belongings that I'd never known about. I found a cot that she'd been sleeping on, old telephones, and a large, weird sculpture/painting of the Pope in her bedroom. She was not Catholic, so pretty odd, although she did collect all kinds of art and imports. There was also an aquarium with fish that had somehow lived a long time with no food or water changes. The whole thing was very vivid and reminded me of a dream I'd had a few years ago, where my mom had a secret room filled with beautiful emerald green antique glassware and vintage Halloween decorations.
Anyway, today I found myself feeling weirdly tired and needing major downtime to just be. I still feel like working, setting stuff up for school, working out, and messing with my aquarium, so it's not exactly like depression. It's more like this need to seriously chill and reflect and maybe journal or even draw something. I also feel like listening to music and doing some dancing. Being busy, organized, effective, meticulous...well, that's not cutting it today. Yes, those things keep me going, but there's more that needs attention before the treadmill of school and jury duty begin. I need a little me time I guess, while I can still manage it.
I know I've been pushing a lot with work and projects and I imagine it's all part of my grief, to keep busy. My favorite Platy fish, Spartacus, died last Friday and that kind of triggered all these underlying feelings of sadness I manage to sweep aside most of the time. I cried for her, knowing how much I'd miss her swimming up to greet us with her pretty little pectoral fins that looked like translucent fairy wings. Pet loss is as painful as any other kind of grief and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I really loved that little fish and all the joy she brought me since I set up the new tank this past spring. Pets and music have saved my life it seems. I also think, with all that's happened this year, losing Spartacus brought the other pain back into focus. The loss of our baby in January, my father in-law in March, and even my grandma, who died a few years ago. I dreamt about Grandma last night and in the dream she was alive and I could still drive to her home anytime, just as I had as a girl. I do dream this type of dream occasionally and usually I am just discovering that she has dementia. In this latest one, she was already at the nursing home, but I didn't know it until I got to her house. Inside the house, there was a secret doorway that led to these rooms I'd never seen before. They were filled with art and other belongings that I'd never known about. I found a cot that she'd been sleeping on, old telephones, and a large, weird sculpture/painting of the Pope in her bedroom. She was not Catholic, so pretty odd, although she did collect all kinds of art and imports. There was also an aquarium with fish that had somehow lived a long time with no food or water changes. The whole thing was very vivid and reminded me of a dream I'd had a few years ago, where my mom had a secret room filled with beautiful emerald green antique glassware and vintage Halloween decorations.
Anyway, today I found myself feeling weirdly tired and needing major downtime to just be. I still feel like working, setting stuff up for school, working out, and messing with my aquarium, so it's not exactly like depression. It's more like this need to seriously chill and reflect and maybe journal or even draw something. I also feel like listening to music and doing some dancing. Being busy, organized, effective, meticulous...well, that's not cutting it today. Yes, those things keep me going, but there's more that needs attention before the treadmill of school and jury duty begin. I need a little me time I guess, while I can still manage it.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
August Morning
We are having a small string of hot days. Out come the shorts and tank tops again and it's easier to ignore all the depressing back to school ads. I am in no way ready for fall. I am currently staying with the coolest dog, a Springer-Border Collie mix, and we've had lots of adventures going to the dog park, swimming, and just taking long, long walks. Unfortunately, her owner is super anxious and annoying and I've bent over backwards to accommodate her to the point where I don't want to work here again. Plus, I undercharged a little and the fact that she fails to acknowledge the screaming deal adds to my growing resentment about the arrangement, It sucks because I enjoy this dog, but it's not worth it when the owner is this impossible.
On top of all this, I am wondering if I might be pregnant, but there is no way to know for another day or so. I honestly doubt I could be since we just started trying this month, but you never know. I have been extra tired lately though. The waiting is the toughest part. And, honestly, with all we've been through, I don't want to get too excited either way. I mean, a new baby would never make up for our first one and the excitement I felt being pregnant for the first time, just over a year ago.
Not much else to say. Jury duty will have me busy for a couple weeks next month and then school starts, so that kinda sucks. Better enjoy the last of my break while I can. No more annoying customers. A couple more cleaning projects are left at home, but I have made headway. Just the office, kitchen cabinets, and Hubby's dresser. We've done well purging a lot of clothes and getting the linen closet cleaned. It feels great. So, I'd like to finish, but I'd also like some chill time to read, focus on some fitness, and to do absolutely nothing. Once classes start, it's back to the grind, although I will be done with requirements by Christmas and can probably intern after that. Finally.
On top of all this, I am wondering if I might be pregnant, but there is no way to know for another day or so. I honestly doubt I could be since we just started trying this month, but you never know. I have been extra tired lately though. The waiting is the toughest part. And, honestly, with all we've been through, I don't want to get too excited either way. I mean, a new baby would never make up for our first one and the excitement I felt being pregnant for the first time, just over a year ago.
Not much else to say. Jury duty will have me busy for a couple weeks next month and then school starts, so that kinda sucks. Better enjoy the last of my break while I can. No more annoying customers. A couple more cleaning projects are left at home, but I have made headway. Just the office, kitchen cabinets, and Hubby's dresser. We've done well purging a lot of clothes and getting the linen closet cleaned. It feels great. So, I'd like to finish, but I'd also like some chill time to read, focus on some fitness, and to do absolutely nothing. Once classes start, it's back to the grind, although I will be done with requirements by Christmas and can probably intern after that. Finally.
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