Final Stretch

One week and three days before finals are over. So much writing and writing these days. Even when I'm not writing a paper, I'm thinking about one. It seems like it never stops, but last night I dropped everything and watched "Spirited Away" and ate soy ice cream and gluten free cookies on the couch. I've been toughing it out with a shoulder injury, which a doctor says is rotator cuff injury and an acupuncturist says is frozen shoulder. In ether case, I am miserable and another night at the computer doing citations was going to do me in. I am now sitting here waiting for heat and a couple Ibuprofen to kick in so I can sleep a little more.

We had our support group this week. Two of the regular women in there are pregnant and I am happy for them, but it brought up all these feelings to see them and hear what is happening. I know when I got out of the hospital I wanted to be pregnant right away, as if it would be a continuation of where we left off. But now time has made me see that another pregnancy won't change this grief I feel about our son. I am just walking through this summer, so far, a mom without my baby and it is the weirdest feeling. Like outwardly I can't really "show" the world I'm a mom, but I know I am and so does my husband and so do the people in the group. All we have, however, is a photograph on our living room shelf to prove our son existed.

I won't say that TTC is off the list of possibilities for this next six months to a year, but I know now that a new child won't "fix" this loss or bring me back to that place of joy and innocence I was at the first time. My husband said he feels the same. That, however, is not to say we would not love another child. I know in my heart we would love all of our children.

Meanwhile, school is sort of draining me and the pain from the shoulder injury is making it all seem more overwhelming. I just want to be done with academia and get a new job, even though I'm scared to make the leap. My current job is okay, but I've been there seemingly forever and want a new adventure in the trenches. Not just reading books and writing research papers.

Going to try and sleep a little now, so I can wake up later and write and go to work.