Cool Summer Day

We are back from our trip to the desert where I walked the dunes and climbed the rocks of an old creek bed, getting red sand in my shoes. Every day was hot and sunny and we wore shorts and got sun burns. It was awesome. But now we are home and the weather is in the low 70s and very cool at night. In a way, it is easier on my constitution, considering that I love being outdoors so much. That said I sure would like another dose of bright sun and heat to remind me that the seasons have truly changed here. Our vacation was really relaxing and good for me though. I slept wonderfully at my mother in-law's because she spares no expense on pillows. I was able to arrange them so I could finally rest my injured shoulder. I also took melatonin and slept with a soothing dry canyon breeze blowing through our window at night. It was everything the doctor ordered and more. In the evenings we went out with friends and family and even had a barbeque one night, complete with bonfire and toasted marshmallows near a rushing creek.

Now, we are home and I am working, which probably isn't as bad as it seems. I have dogs booked for tonight and another one next week. I do have to be at the office tonight and tomorrow, but so far it's been pretty relaxed. I might even have time to read more of Stephen King's "Under the Dome" later, which is my current summer read. I've also been brewing some of my own ideas which have been on hold due to all that school mayhem. It's hard to get started writing fiction sometimes, even when I do have more time available. I find that I have bad habits of getting caught up in e-mail and Facebook or Internet surfing and time gets away. On vacation, I deliberately avoided checking e-mail or other sites and found my creativity slowly bobbing to the surface again. I think it's just a matter of remembering to keep the way clear when I'm home. I have one friend who is a writer and he refuses to get Facebook. I don't know that I'd go that far, but I see his point.

I'm excited about seeing "Toy Story 3" in 3-D in a couple weeks. I have to watch the first two before we go, but they are short and there should be time in the evenings. I also want to do some local hikes with Doug. I think we'll start with a long urban walk this week with one of the dogs and work our way up to the tougher stuff as the summer progresses.

Final Stretch

One week and three days before finals are over. So much writing and writing these days. Even when I'm not writing a paper, I'm thinking about one. It seems like it never stops, but last night I dropped everything and watched "Spirited Away" and ate soy ice cream and gluten free cookies on the couch. I've been toughing it out with a shoulder injury, which a doctor says is rotator cuff injury and an acupuncturist says is frozen shoulder. In ether case, I am miserable and another night at the computer doing citations was going to do me in. I am now sitting here waiting for heat and a couple Ibuprofen to kick in so I can sleep a little more.

We had our support group this week. Two of the regular women in there are pregnant and I am happy for them, but it brought up all these feelings to see them and hear what is happening. I know when I got out of the hospital I wanted to be pregnant right away, as if it would be a continuation of where we left off. But now time has made me see that another pregnancy won't change this grief I feel about our son. I am just walking through this summer, so far, a mom without my baby and it is the weirdest feeling. Like outwardly I can't really "show" the world I'm a mom, but I know I am and so does my husband and so do the people in the group. All we have, however, is a photograph on our living room shelf to prove our son existed.

I won't say that TTC is off the list of possibilities for this next six months to a year, but I know now that a new child won't "fix" this loss or bring me back to that place of joy and innocence I was at the first time. My husband said he feels the same. That, however, is not to say we would not love another child. I know in my heart we would love all of our children.

Meanwhile, school is sort of draining me and the pain from the shoulder injury is making it all seem more overwhelming. I just want to be done with academia and get a new job, even though I'm scared to make the leap. My current job is okay, but I've been there seemingly forever and want a new adventure in the trenches. Not just reading books and writing research papers.

Going to try and sleep a little now, so I can wake up later and write and go to work.