Indecision

For you it might be like a sneeze
Or a switch to de-caf
For me, it’s a door to a tornado
Rolling fast toward me as I huddle in a broken down shack
Looking out at colorful round hay bales
Flying away
The ones that stay put are babies that might live.

Does anyone wonder why I’m stalling?
Even though doctors say “Hurry. Your age.”
They don’t know how it is
Sitting here in my summer clothes
Sipping a cocktail of sweet, hopeful thoughts
Knowing I’m safe on this island for a minute longer

Some part of me is hoarding up novels and notebooks and programs on Huloo
Preparing for the words, “Bed rest”
There are many things much worse than those words
Things you don’t ever want to see
Things that could be behind doors number two and three
The halls of dead baby for instance.

I watch my sister in-law bounce around in pregnant ease
Travel four straight days in a car full of screaming, whining kids
Up late, up early
Never a sad face from that one
Painting rooms and breathing fumes for the umpteenth time

How come no one else seems to get the tornado drill?
I’m like an 18th century lady all fragile in her white linen bed
Making babies is brutal to my constitution
So I stay here one last moment
Soaking up sun, reading books, hiking up mountains
I’m safe. But some part of me is easing its way up to that door.
Hoping I can harness one of those intact little rainbow bales
Knowing the storm will pummel me if it can.
I hate its dark winds the way Sigourney Weaver hates an alien.
I want to fight it, hide from it, elude it.
Then I just want to stay here, on solid ground.
Forget the whole thing.
Walk away while I still have a chance.

Tired Today

Finally home for a week and then back to pet-sitting Saturday. I feel so tired, like I have this big sleep deficit from all the different places we've stayed and varied schedules. And, of course, dealing with that difficult client. I know I out did myself with niceness and am paying the price. Even the trip out of town for fun this past month kinda wore me out with the jet lag, staying up late visiting, and still dealing with an achy frozen shoulder. I think I need down time to just rest and do almost nothing. Luckily, the household projects are almost done. Just the office and one more run to the Goodwill. I have also decided to stash away the food-related baby items until a food drive turns up this fall. Not easy because I want them gone, but I'll deal.

I know I've been pushing a lot with work and projects and I imagine it's all part of my grief, to keep busy. My favorite Platy fish, Spartacus, died last Friday and that kind of triggered all these underlying feelings of sadness I manage to sweep aside most of the time. I cried for her, knowing how much I'd miss her swimming up to greet us with her pretty little pectoral fins that looked like translucent fairy wings. Pet loss is as painful as any other kind of grief and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I really loved that little fish and all the joy she brought me since I set up the new tank this past spring. Pets and music have saved my life it seems. I also think, with all that's happened this year, losing Spartacus brought the other pain back into focus. The loss of our baby in January, my father in-law in March, and even my grandma, who died a few years ago. I dreamt about Grandma last night and in the dream she was alive and I could still drive to her home anytime, just as I had as a girl. I do dream this type of dream occasionally and usually I am just discovering that she has dementia. In this latest one, she was already at the nursing home, but I didn't know it until I got to her house. Inside the house, there was a secret doorway that led to these rooms I'd never seen before. They were filled with art and other belongings that I'd never known about. I found a cot that she'd been sleeping on, old telephones, and a large, weird sculpture/painting of the Pope in her bedroom. She was not Catholic, so pretty odd, although she did collect all kinds of art and imports. There was also an aquarium with fish that had somehow lived a long time with no food or water changes. The whole thing was very vivid and reminded me of a dream I'd had a few years ago, where my mom had a secret room filled with beautiful emerald green antique glassware and vintage Halloween decorations.

Anyway, today I found myself feeling weirdly tired and needing major downtime to just be. I still feel like working, setting stuff up for school, working out, and messing with my aquarium, so it's not exactly like depression. It's more like this need to seriously chill and reflect and maybe journal or even draw something. I also feel like listening to music and doing some dancing. Being busy, organized, effective, meticulous...well, that's not cutting it today. Yes, those things keep me going, but there's more that needs attention before the treadmill of school and jury duty begin. I need a little me time I guess, while I can still manage it.

August Morning

We are having a small string of hot days. Out come the shorts and tank tops again and it's easier to ignore all the depressing back to school ads. I am in no way ready for fall. I am currently staying with the coolest dog, a Springer-Border Collie mix, and we've had lots of adventures going to the dog park, swimming, and just taking long, long walks. Unfortunately, her owner is super anxious and annoying and I've bent over backwards to accommodate her to the point where I don't want to work here again. Plus, I undercharged a little and the fact that she fails to acknowledge the screaming deal adds to my growing resentment about the arrangement, It sucks because I enjoy this dog, but it's not worth it when the owner is this impossible.

On top of all this, I am wondering if I might be pregnant, but there is no way to know for another day or so. I honestly doubt I could be since we just started trying this month, but you never know. I have been extra tired lately though. The waiting is the toughest part. And, honestly, with all we've been through, I don't want to get too excited either way. I mean, a new baby would never make up for our first one and the excitement I felt being pregnant for the first time, just over a year ago.

Not much else to say. Jury duty will have me busy for a couple weeks next month and then school starts, so that kinda sucks. Better enjoy the last of my break while I can. No more annoying customers. A couple more cleaning projects are left at home, but I have made headway. Just the office, kitchen cabinets, and Hubby's dresser. We've done well purging a lot of clothes and getting the linen closet cleaned. It feels great. So, I'd like to finish, but I'd also like some chill time to read, focus on some fitness, and to do absolutely nothing. Once classes start, it's back to the grind, although I will be done with requirements by Christmas and can probably intern after that. Finally.

Summer 2010 De-cluttering Project

Yes. It's happening folks. I am turning over a new leaf. Along with my fitness plan that started this week, I plan to de-clutter our apartment. There has been talk about us moving into a house if we have another baby, but I am convinced we can make it work right here in our tiny apartment. We love the neighborhood and have everything we need. I know families in Ireland and Japan raise whole families in one room and it is possible. Of course, it is so American to think you need lots of extra room and a crap-load of stuff.

Anyway,I will start with the junk closet and then move to the billions of old clothes we have cluttering our bedroom. Some of it will go to a consignment store, but the bulk will be sent to Goodwill. Then I'll move onto the kitchen and eliminate the be-zillion dishes and utensils we NEVER use. Last will be the bathroom closet, where I'll mercilessly discard expired items. I cannot wait! Of course I'll probably need some gluten free beer and some good music to pull this off. My goal is to get it all tackled by the end of the month.

Busy Day

I worked late, but was able to see fireworks out the office window last night, so that was cool. Afterwards, I walked Ernie, took a couple Motrin p.m., and then watched a Season 3 episode of "Thirty Something" over soy ice cream. That show is so eighties, but actually pretty well written (who knew?). Now, I'm slugging down coffee and getting ready for a long dog walk. We also have to get all of our stuff out of here and linens washed because we are moving back home tonight and then my dad is coming at 11 p.m.. What a long day it will be, but I'm happy he is FINALLY visiting us.

July Already

Time is flying by and this week has gone especially fast. I applied for a job at the student clinic today. I am almost finished with my degree and it would be great to get a little experience in that setting before I start my internship. I think that, generally, I'm due to change things up, although staying in my current job til the last second does have some appeal. I'm definitely comfortable with the routine.

Yesterday was a fun day. I spent it urban walking with Doug and Ernie (black lab). We started in a local park and made a large loop through a couple of neighborhoods. It took a few hours and it was a bit of an adventure until I realized we were almost home. Kind of a "Planet of the Apes" moment for me. After the walk, we fed Ernie and I gave Doug some homemade bramble berry shortbread that the previous pet-sitter had left for me. She was so nice, even washing the linens before she took off. I know that sounds like such a small courtesy, but one less load of laundry is always a plus when you are going between pet-sitting gigs.

So now I've seen all the Toy Stories except for the latest one, which we'll check out after my dad visits next week. I am so excited to see him. Even though he's only here for a short stay, there are so many places we want to take him, including the ocean. Tonight, Hubby and I thoroughly cleaned the apartment, including the tub, so my dad can have a really comfy visit. I want him to like it enough that he might consider moving out here in his old age, so we can take care of him.

As we were cleaning tonight, I recycled old copies of "Fit Pregnancy" and ate the last of the raw food bars that I bought when I was pregnant last summer. I also put away all the baby junk I keep getting in the mail. I am on some stupid list ever since I shopped at a maternity store last year. I put all the unwanted formula and diapers away, so I can donate them. There are still some baby clothes and books that a friend gave me, which I may or may not keep. I have them tucked away and am not sure what I feel about them. Part of me thinks I could save them for another baby and another part just wants everything from the last pregnancy gone. Truthfully, I don't think it will hurt to have a few unopened clothes and books put away. The main thing is I want the feeling of a fresh start. In August or September, we plan to try for another baby and I want this to be all brand new. I know I'll have fears and memories, but I don't want to add unhappiness by having old stuff from last time in my direct path. I don't even want the same doctors. Our support group is tomorrow night and I will probably air some of this in there. Some of the women are currently pregnant, so I'll be curious how they are dealing.

Cool Summer Day

We are back from our trip to the desert where I walked the dunes and climbed the rocks of an old creek bed, getting red sand in my shoes. Every day was hot and sunny and we wore shorts and got sun burns. It was awesome. But now we are home and the weather is in the low 70s and very cool at night. In a way, it is easier on my constitution, considering that I love being outdoors so much. That said I sure would like another dose of bright sun and heat to remind me that the seasons have truly changed here. Our vacation was really relaxing and good for me though. I slept wonderfully at my mother in-law's because she spares no expense on pillows. I was able to arrange them so I could finally rest my injured shoulder. I also took melatonin and slept with a soothing dry canyon breeze blowing through our window at night. It was everything the doctor ordered and more. In the evenings we went out with friends and family and even had a barbeque one night, complete with bonfire and toasted marshmallows near a rushing creek.

Now, we are home and I am working, which probably isn't as bad as it seems. I have dogs booked for tonight and another one next week. I do have to be at the office tonight and tomorrow, but so far it's been pretty relaxed. I might even have time to read more of Stephen King's "Under the Dome" later, which is my current summer read. I've also been brewing some of my own ideas which have been on hold due to all that school mayhem. It's hard to get started writing fiction sometimes, even when I do have more time available. I find that I have bad habits of getting caught up in e-mail and Facebook or Internet surfing and time gets away. On vacation, I deliberately avoided checking e-mail or other sites and found my creativity slowly bobbing to the surface again. I think it's just a matter of remembering to keep the way clear when I'm home. I have one friend who is a writer and he refuses to get Facebook. I don't know that I'd go that far, but I see his point.

I'm excited about seeing "Toy Story 3" in 3-D in a couple weeks. I have to watch the first two before we go, but they are short and there should be time in the evenings. I also want to do some local hikes with Doug. I think we'll start with a long urban walk this week with one of the dogs and work our way up to the tougher stuff as the summer progresses.