Taking a Breather

I'm taking a break from school tonight. I turned in a paper earlier, spent all afternoon in class, and decided I just wanted to go back to the house and chill with the dogs. Hubby flew to a friend's out-of-town wedding, so I can have a little time for myself. I wish I had my paints and collage stuff over here, cause I'd love to make something tonight.

Thankfully, the school quarter is almost over. I am taking off Sunday night to write a final paper for one of my classes. Then, I have about ten days to write a 12-14 pager for another one. I'll probably take another deep breath in between and try to do a little Christmas shopping. I'm definitely on the grad-student budget though.

We are going to Utah again for Christmas. I'm a little concerned about traveling while pregnant, especially with the complications, but I figure I can handle ten days away from home okay. I'll just have to tell people I need my rest and chill time this year. Hopefully, I can catch up on some fiction reading and call a couple friends on my cell. It can be hard to get much alone time on these family visits, but I am committed to my own cause and have a good excuse.

December Days

It has been a stressful time with the pregnancy. I wish I had never had the ultrasound because now I have been placed in a high risk category. Doctors don't know if it's the placenta or a problem with the baby, but he is small and there are concerns. Suddenly I've found my mind going down a lot of dark roads thinking of all kinds of worst possible outcomes. We have both shed a lot of tears and prayed a lot over the last couple of weeks. Our families have been really supportive (emotionally and spiritually) and I am thankful for that. Doctors say there isn't much they can do, but keep an eye on the baby and see what happens. We are going in for more tests in a couple of weeks. I'm especially bummed because I probably won't be able to have a mid-wife birth like I planned.

In contrast to all that, the last couple of days have been unexpectedly beautiful with golden sun shining through the crisp cold air. I decided to accept a dog-walking/pet-sitting gig this week and I am so glad I did. At first I was worried it would be too stressful moving Hubby and I into a house with all the pregnancy, work, school, holiday stuff going on. But now that we are here and settled, I love it. When I was out with the dogs, I was remembering back when I was single and doing this type of work all the time. I loved being outside in all types of weather and observing the change of seasons. Now I wonder why I ever wanted to quit and take on the stress of graduate school. Why would I make such a choice when I could feel present and grateful for the beauty of nature every day? Yes, I am questioning my path. Not the path of having the baby, although that has obviously turned into a rough one, but the path of getting a master's degree and sitting in an office every day.

November Day

I am just drinkin' my protein smoothie with prenatal supplements and preparing an interview for tonight. I have three more papers to write before the end of the quarter. It should all work out if I just keep pacing myself.

I am now entering my 20th week of pregnancy (according to doctor calendars). I think the baby was conceived about 18 weeks ago, but that's how the experts calculate these days. Hubby and I are happy to know we are having a little boy. To be honest, we don't really care about the sex, as long as we have a healthy baby. The midwife did say there were a couple things on the ultrasound that might mean nothing, but she still wants me to go for further prenatal testing because of my age. That had me pretty anxious over the weekend, but I have decided to have faith and trust that God will keep our boy safe and healthy.

We signed up for a birthing and childcare series that starts in January. Also, some friends at school said they want to throw a baby shower. I wasn't planning on one, but they were so insistent that I probably will just go with it. It will be kind of non-traditional because most of my close friends are male. Actually, based on the venue we are using, I think the event will be pretty casual and relaxed. It probably will be fun even though I always worry that my friends are poor and they shouldn't feel pressured to buy stuff.

Coming Up for Air

I went to a local discount store and bought some maternity jeans and a pair of regular jeans in a size larger than what I usually wear. I also picked up some big tee-shirts that cover my growing belly. I was amused by the lady who waited on me in the maternity section. She was about 4' 11", a size 2, and looked to be about 17-years-old, but she apparently had lots of experience breastfeeding and caring for babies. She was eager to share lots of knowledge.

After shopping, Hubby and I ordered avocado rolls and teriyaki at a Japanese take-out place. I also drank a big bottle of fruit punch. It was nice just relaxing and talking.

On Friday, I am having a combined birthday party with one of my friends, who was also born in October. We will go out for dinner, have some kind of dessert, and hopefully watch a scary Halloween movie. I am looking forward to it. In fact, I am enjoying this entire week because I just turned in two papers. I actually finished most of my writing last night, so I was able to hit my water aerobics class too, which I love.

After Friday, however, the fun appears to be over. I figured out that, in order to get everything done, I will have to be working on papers every week between next Monday and the end of the quarter. It is the only way I can meet all the deadlines.

Cold and Rainy

I am sitting in a coffee shop on a cold rainy night, trying to get some work done. I actually have two papers basically written and that feels good. Just a few small revisions left and then some reading and organizing notes for a presentation. Today was one of those dark fall days, when the sun barely came out at all. I think I saw it for about five minutes as I was leaving my prenatal yoga class. I tried to soak up every bit of that.

I have been thinking about adding some creative writing time to my day this quarter. I realized my writing is a way to take care of myself and I shouldn't feel guilty about making time for it. After all, I make time for the gym and yoga because it's good for stress. So, as long as my work is getting done, why not plug away at that story I've been putting aside for the last six months. Even an hour a day of my own writing (beyond blogs and journals) would be great.

On a totally different note, I just started to eat meat recently. It still seems kind of gross and I know some of my friends and acquaintances are freaked out. I had been vegetarian since 1987 and turned vegan in the late nineties due to milk and egg intolerances. I also have gluten intolerance. I recently made the decision to go carnivore because I was worried about getting enough protein for the baby. I started with free range turkey and have been gradually trying other offerings from the meat world. I find I manage it best if it's disguised in sauces or soups. Frankly, it still seems kinda gross, but I am viewing it as a food supplement during pregnancy. I also had allergy testing and found out it is probably safe to add some eggs to my diet, which I have been doing very slowly and in small amounts (like eating muffins made with egg). I do find the extra protein from these animal products has given me added stamina. I know my husband's personal trainer once told me that she became hypoglycemic as a vegetarian and I am now wondering about myself in that regard. I do find I have more sustained energy and feel less hungry with the higher protein intake. Still, I do feel weird switching to this carnivorous lifestyle after 20-some years of being veg. Sometimes it feels hypocritical to do yoga and then consume animals of any kind. So far, I always eat a tofu and rice based meal after taking class. I guess overall, I still try to eat vegetarian meals most of the time. But I still think I will be supplementing with animal products as long as it feels like the right thing.

Summer Ends

I'm just sitting here at work munching on hummus and wishing I could motivate myself to study some more. I am so sick of all this pre-reading, but have to do it because classes start tomorrow and I have two papers due right out of the gate. Part of my lack of motivation is that I am 14 weeks into my pregnancy and still feeling worn out. I think I have been doing too much at times. It FINALLY occured to me to put my damned feet up Friday night. It isn't so much the active stuff I do (hikes, the gym, and prenatal yoga) that are the problem. It's all the other running around that I do when I should just chill out. I always seem to come up with more chores and errands. For instance, I actually enjoy cooking, but I'll take on major projects that keep me on my feet for hours on weeknights. It's lame. Especially when I am in school and carrying the relentless weight of deadlines.

I'm totally hoping to set up a schedule this quarter where I sleep enough (especially when I work late) and start homework shortly after breakfast. If I can get things done early, maybe I can chill when evening rolls around. Even if I have an hour or two of reading to do at night, at least I can get the big stuff done before my energy lags. I really want this to work because grad-school totally stresses me out, even under the best of circumstances and I suspect it might be worse with the pregnancy.

On a happier note, I had a great time hiking with my friend Doug last week. We did a pretty light one, which was perfect for me. I noticed I get really tired carrying my backpack these days, so Doug graciously took on the burden. We walked some trails off the beaten path and saw a garter snake. That made me jump cause I didn't expect it, but it was kind of cool because I hadn't seen one in a long time. We also stopped along the way and bought a huge apple and a peach at a farm stand and passed by a calm lake that was filled with green and gold lily pads. It started to rain on us, but I didn't mind too much. Later that evening, we met up with Hubby and checked out some aquariums (love the neon tetras) and had a tasty Chinese dinner. It was a great day overall because I forgot about impending schoolwork and about all my pregnancy symptoms for awhile.

The sun was out today, so that was awesome. Hubby and I walked in the neighborhood before I went to work. He also started a mammoth vaccuming project, which made me really happy. The annual deep cleaning was long overdue. I put up a few Halloween decorations and did some pre-cooking for the week to save time this week.

Post Holiday

I worked over the Fourth of July weekend, but wasn't too depressed about it because we didn't have big plans this year. I did seen an amazing cherry red sunset from my office window Saturday night and caught a few fireworks going off in the distance. I love those white flickery ones that twinkle like fairy dust.

I was thinking back to a favorite Fourth of July of mine, which I think happened when I was about six or seven years old. I remember driving into town at dusk with my parents and stopping to get caramel corn, cotton candy, and milkshakes at a little stand called The Popper. We went through the drive-thru and then headed up to the top of a high hill in Asbury, where you could see miles of rolling hills and meadows. We had the windows rolled down, letting in the humid July air which smelled of hay and thick foliage. I could hear crickets singing and the familiar distant hum of stock car races at the county fairgrounds. I noticed the flicker of fireflies slowly starting to brighten the falling night. Off in the distance, my parents and I could see many, many colorful fireworks displays. My mom told me some of the fireworks were as far away as Wisconsin. The night stands out in my mind because it was so simple and somehow magical. The sights, sounds, and smells were so typical of my homeland on a hot July night. It was something I took for granted, which I now long for in a quiet nostalgic way.

And now, getting back to the present day...I stayed up way too late last night and had a tough time getting up this morning for my first day of a brand new fitness regimen. Two big cups of black coffee barely cut through my brain fog as a I dragged my weary old feet to the gym. I had my first Pilate's class ever with this perky young lady with doe-like eyes and a great tan. She had us doing all kinds of stretches and core exercises on purple mats. Along with noticing my overall lack of fitness, I became more aware of stiff spots where I habitually hold tension. I noticed I need to do a lot of core strengthening, but I did feel taller and more self aware after the class was over.

Part of our new family fitness plan involves eating healthier. I probably could probably cut back on all the sesame rice crackers and guacamole I tend to munch out on. I refuse to totally give up the occasional gluten free beer, however. It is summer time for God's sake and I have a lot of Irish and German blood in my veins.

July Sunshine

It is a beautiful early July day. The sun is gleaming gold through the window and I am finishing off some really good water melon. I hope we get some more melon and organic grapes this weekend.

I finally got some good sleep last night. It's been kind of a busy week with adding, attending, and then ultimately dropping a class I was going to take this summer. I finally looked back at these past two years of non-stop grad-school and work and decided to just take the summer off. I am already doing plenty between my two part-time jobs and volunteer work with kids. I seriously need some time to read, and write what I want to. Plus, hubby and I want to set up a writing night where we strictly work on our own fiction. I have this idea that keeps haunting my tired brain and it's time to work the damned thing out without the looming weight of academic deadlines stealing every ounce of strength.

I am going hiking with a friend tomorrow. This will be our third time out since the days started getting warmer and longer. Last time, we did an urban hike, which turned out to be a lot more fun than I expected. Lots of interesting shapes, colors, and textures appeared on that adventure. Tomorrow, however, we plan to hit the mountains and do something quasi-challenging. I don't think either one of us is feeling in great physical shape. I have to admit grad-school ruined most of my fitness program and I feel quite decrepit. I actually did hit the gym a couple times this week. Hubby is on a new summer fitness and diet plan, so this is a good time to make changes together.

I talked to my best friend from childhood on the phone yesterday. That was so awesome. Although our lives are quite different in many ways, I see some parallels. I really cherished our conversation and hearing her perspective on things. I told her about how I have been making some changes in my education/career path and have had some uncertainties this past year. She said some things that shed light on things and how some of my recent decisions might actually help me achieve future goals. That meant a lot coming from someone who I care about like family. I also know she has enough life experience and perspective to know what the heck she is talking about.

I know I started school with certain expectations and ideas. But over time I've weeded out some stuff that isn't working and find myself narrowing my goals a little bit. It is easier to to accomplish something when you focus your energy on what seems most important. Of course that will vary from person to person. For me, I want to focus on family, being healthy,my writing, and "the good enough job", that allows for all my ever-changing hobbies.

Farewell to the Red Star

I sold my old car this past week. My husband had lovingly named the old 98' Chevy Cavalier the Red Star. That car had been mine since 2001, when I bought it used from a mechanic in the small town I'd grown up in. The car had belonged to the mechanic's college age daughter, who'd driven it to Colorado and crashed it into a guard rail. Her father did a rebuild, bought her a new SUV, and sold me the old Chevy for a good price.

I loved the Red Star. I drove it across country on a beautiful solitary drive full of dry plains, mountain views, and soul searching. That car gave me hope at a time when I was struggling to get my life on track. I know it seems like a small thing, but wheels can give you freedom and allow you to do things that you might not otherwise. The car gave me a way to change up my job situation and to go back to school and pursue a dream that I couldn't shake at that time.

The old car was also special to me because my dad helped me find it and he even pitched in a little cash to help me buy it. He didn't cover the whole thing, but he did enough to let me know he wanted to give me a leg up. I didn't expect it either. Before he lined things up and helped me out, I was resigned to going on as I was without pursuing my dreams. But then out of nowhere, like an answer to a secret prayer, my dad appeared with a possibility. I'll never forget the joy I felt and the happiness to know he had faith in me. Since then, I've had little miracles emerge from other sources, but I'll never forget the huge miracle that came from someone so dear to me.

The Red Star allowed me to take jobs I could not have otherwise and it helped me finish a program of education (including internship) that literally gave me my dream job. I met my husband on that job. I drove to our first date in it too.

I sold the Red Star this past week because, after 8 years, it was getting older and a little less reliable than I wanted it to be. It needed some maintenance and I knew it wouldn't be a reliable ride for some of the dog-walking and volunteer work I wanted to take on this summer. It was time to sell or give it away, so I wound up selling it for an amazingly low price to a stranger I met at a car wash. Even though my price was super low, he pointed out every little flaw he could see. The stranger looked the Red Star up and down like a decrepit old horse at an auction. He jumped behind the wheel with no seat belt and beer on his breath, punching it into a fast speed on a quiet city street. He told me it was a gift for his teenager who drives crazy and ruined another car. I knew right then that the Red Star was probably not long for this world, but I didn't want to go through the hassle of picking a more caring buyer with current time constraints and the strain of paying insurance on two vehicles (the Red Star and my new vehicle).

I feel a little sad about the Red Star now, even though I'm driving a shiny Toyota that will most likely get me everywhere I need to go trouble-free for a long, long time. I could easily make a big list of sound reasons why I decided to upgrade. My life has changed since the time I bought the Red Star and I know I made the right decision, but I miss the old car. I imagine if I had more money, I would have had a little maintenance done on it, kept it insured, and just let it rest comfortably for its remaining years. Maybe I would have taken it for drives now and then on beautiful summer afternoons. That would have been a wonderful way to honor the old Red Star.

Post Easter

I'm feeling sad because I just found out my uncle died Easter night. He was 80, had Parkinson's, and had been in pretty bad shape for quite awhile. Still, it is sad news. Sigh.

School is back in session and I am already feeling burned out. I am so busy over the next three weeks that every day is packed. I am also not really looking forward to jumping right into summer school. Plus, I have some stuff to work out with my adviser about my program. She presented things a certain way before I changed majors and I hope she will uphold that. I am becoming concerned about time/money and whether I have made the right decision.

Meanwhile, the short spring break was great. I had an amazing but chilly, damp hike with a friend. We got lost and that led to a sort of mini-adventure. I also picked up some dog-sitting work and started looking into a volunteer job with horses. And, amazingly, I read a couple good books for fun and did some writing of my own. I started a third attempt at a horror-suspense novel I've had clanking around in my mind for the last few years. I had to put all the pages away in a folder when school started last week, however. I just don't have that kind of creative space with all these paper and project deadlines.

Hubby and I are catching a concert with a friend later tonight. To be honest, I should be home working on a paper. But I figure I should have a little fun before I totally give in to the stress.

Cold March Day

It is hard to believe that the Ides of March is here again. It seems like time went by so fast since last year, when I was thinking and writing about it. This year, the weather is cold and rainy and I expect it will continue into tomorrow. In a way, I do not mind the damp days because they keep the pollen down. On drier, sunnier days, I have itchy allergy eyes again. I think I sneezed about 50 times while I was walking to class the other day. I might try Allegra or just tough it out with an occasional Benadryl at night. It's the same deal every spring. At least, I found some pretty good over-the-counter eye drops at the local pharmacy.

I think I am finally adjusting to grad school and all the work it entails. Even though this last quarter was just as stressful as all the others, I took on a "one day at a time" attitude. I finished one last paper and a speech last night and then slugged back a drink with some of my cohorts. During a chat at the bar, I realized we are all feeling the ongoing pressures of school and giving up treasured hobbies. The thing I must remember is that, eventually, free time does emerge. In my case, I always want to return to yoga, dance class, friends, movies, dog walking, and reading and writing for myself.

I'm not going to let the Ides get me down too much this year. I plan to chill out, finish the Stephen King book I started over Christmas, see "Watchmen" with Hubby and friends, and just be. Also my friend and I are talking about hiking again as some of the snow melts. I can't wait. I may need to invest in some shoes this year. I know I trashed a pair last year, but it was worth it.

Just a Winter Day

It's been cold enough that I can see my breath when I go outside. Hubby and I hit the gym yesterday, but it was a damn chilly walk getting there. I guess the good news was that the sun came out for several hours during the day. That is rare this time of year. I also noticed the days are getting slightly longer. The beautiful orange sun we saw yesterday stayed around until 5:30 p.m.

I have very slowly been getting back into a fitness routine. I did yoga yesterday and plan to try an adult ballet class tonight. We did some walking over our vacation, but I don't think it was enough to keep my stamina up for these other fitness activities. I am feeling really lazy and I think the weather and all this homework I have isn't helping.

I have two papers due this week and am feeling a little anxious about one of them. I tried to get started early, but now I have to sit with what I've done until tomorrow's deadline. I don't want to procrastinate my assignments, but sometimes getting done too early gives me too much time to worry that my work is good enough. I think part of the problem is that I don't know what my professor's expectations are just yet. I think turning something in and getting feedback will give me a clearer impression of whether or not I am on target.

There are a lot of movies I'd like to see right now. "Gran Terino", "Australia", "The Wrestler", and "Ink Heart". There isn't much time with school, but I am sure we can fit something in. Last week, we saw "Slum Dog Millionare" with a friend. I think when the weather is yucky, movies sound appealing. Movies and books. I admit I am reading Stephen King's "Duma Key" before bed.

I have been making comfort foods for us this week. I made a gluten and dairy free tuna casserole last night. It turned out really yummy. I also made a frosted lemon cake and raspberry jello. I actually enjoy cooking when there is time. I have been getting recipe ideas from my dad. He suggested I try making a dairy-free version of my grandma's potato soup. That may be next week's experiment.