Coffee Break

I turned in a big final paper for Systems Perspectives last night and have to start studying for the exam next week. I took a break after class and watched "Transformers" with my husband. We both agreed the dialogue was cheesy, but there were some cool special effects. Also, I like that Lincoln Park song,"What I've Done" and it was played at the end.

I am now sipping on black coffee and hoping to run a few errands soon. Some of my friends and loved ones have birthdays coming up and I want to get ready for that. There is a small chance we will go to the gym and lift weights tonight, but I don't know for sure because I have to register for summer school.

Hubby is having some major dental work soon, so I have stocked up on macaroni and cheese, frozen fruit for smoothies, and I made a white layer cake with chocolate frosting last night. I am sure he'll be on soft foods for awhile because there is actual surgery involved.

I'll be taking care of the dogs again in a few days. I can't wait to be outside with them everyday. I haven't had any time to be a weekend warrior in dance class lately, but I don't mind so much when I get to play with the puppies a lot. I think I just need breaks from all the heavy studying and worrying about papers and projects. I don't find it very fun. Plus, I wish I had more free time to write in my notebook, draw, collage, and to get outside with my camera. Doug said he wants to go on some local hikes in a few weeks and I can't wait.

Staying Steady

It has been a rough month with work, graduate school, and other responsibilities. I have occasionally found myself falling into a negative place where I worry a lot and question my decisions. Because it bothers me that I do that, I have decided to try to cultivate a quality of steadiness in my life. Kind of an "Easy does it" kind of thinking.

I have noticed some types of thinking and physical factors that seem to spur a bout of worrying or questioning and I will list them here.

1. Insisting on knowing EXACTLY how things will turn out. It's like I am looking for a crystal ball.

2. Wanting to have total control of every outcome.

3. Wanting to do everything perfectly and not having any fun.

4. Failing to give myself credit for past successes.

5. Holding my breath, which creates an inability to be completely present.

6. Lack of sleep, which leads to negative thinking.

7. Hypoglycemia, which leads to anxiety.

8. Failing to make a regular fitness program top priority.

9. Neglecting my creative side.

10. Trying to do everything on my own without any help or support.

11. Hormonal shifts.

It has occurred to me today, that the best thing to do is just let go and trust in some kind of higher power. I can't worry about tomorrow because this moment is all I have.

Waiting On a Conclusion

I'm up late again writing for school. I've almost written too much and now have to go back and revise and get that tight, bright, compelling conclusion. I'm bleary eyed and can't even weed through the big mess of words this morning. I should just make myself a cup of warm almond milk and go to bed.

I've allowed grad school to take a toll on me these last couple of weeks. I'm cranky, tense, out of shape. I plan to take a long walk tomorrow, before I wind up stuck to this desk again. Three more weeks until my short summer break. In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my balance by breathing deep, taking some nice walks, and listening to lots and lots of music of all kinds. I hope I can do some drawing for a little while later today...maybe just get out some markers and sketch a few spring flowers. Any step in a creative direction feels like the right move.

Big Sigh.

I am tired and depleted. I'm writing a huge paper. I should have started last week, but I had to work a bunch of hours at both jobs. It's late and I am fidgety. This week just feels like no fun at all.

I don't think the Creative Writing and Therapy class is offered this summer, which sucks. I think I might just sign up for one requirement, so I don't spend my whole summer indoors. I hope I can have one more full summer of dog walking and pet-care gigs. I know I probably won't be able to continue that in the fall. Grad school takes too much time and I don't want to buy another car either. My old car is running fine, but those pet care jobs involve driving constantly. I am tired of the commutes and the gas prices and maintenance.

I keep trying to think of a dream job I could get within the next year or so. I still have a part-time job at a radio station, which is OK, but I have been doing it for many, many years. I feel like I am ready for a new adventure. I might go back and work with seniors again. I actually liked being a nursing assistant, although the pay wasn't very good. Money isn't everything though.

I think I am going to take a break from my studies and watch the second half of "2110" with hubby. We had a great supper earlier and there is ice cream waiting. I know it sounds like I'm being bad, but I have been doing homework for hours and hours.